Discouragement

The title says it all.

I am the master electrician for the current production that is underway at Central College. It's a rather large undertaking involving the hanging and focusing of lights, hooking up the circuits, changing bulbs, installing gels, hanging projectors, etc. The person who takes on this position must have the know-how and the expertise to do all of these things. They also must display excellent leadership skills and be able to delegate tasks to their faithful and diligent crew of well-trained electricians and lighting specialists.

Problem is, I don't exhibit any of those qualities.

I don't know the first thing about lighting, circuitry or any basic facts about electricity. I don't even know the difference between AC and DC current. I'm utterly useless at this job and it sucks.

Honestly, I feel as though I was given this position in order to be mocked. I feel that it was randomly drawn from a hat and tossed my way to fiddle with and see if I could make anything with it. I'm like a chimp with a Rubik's cube or a toddler at the control panel of a NASA rocket. By the grace of some minor deity of chance and happenstance, I could potentially pull this off, but it's very very unlikely. And while I sit there in the case-study room, trying to solve said Rubik's cube with my chimp jaw and teeth, the scientists look on with amusement and scribble down notes.

Hilarious. Really.

Even doing a simple task such as lighting inventory was daunting- and that's just counting the lighting instruments. Simple really, all I have to do is go through and count how many of what instrument we have and check off its number on a convenient little list.

Except I don't know what the difference is between one instrument to the next.

That's only the beginning of the problem. I'm also in charge of a crew that is considerably more experienced than I am and they know it. I can be a leader if I know what I'm talking about. If I don't, the confidence goes straight out the window along with my self-esteem. Pop goes my balloon and the weather guy just stated that there's a 100% chance of it pissing on my parade today.

But I'm learning, slowly but surely, I'm learning. A good friend of mine in the theatre department taught me how to use a circuit tester and how to change lamps and other things. I'm not as self-pitying as I was before, but I definitely still feel pretty discouraged. Why put me in charge of people when I know nothing and they know everything? Why leave me in charge of the lighting inventory with no information?

I don't like feeling stupid.